What's the Meaning of this [Relationship]?!

Relationships are complicated. Even if you go with the mainstream opinion that monogamy is the way to go - you still get difficulties as people progress through life. If someone gets married at 20, most people will change by 30, not to mention the "til death do us part" numbers. Once people share those years together, they learn to adjust to each other and can even miss the quirks that seemed to drive the individual crazy.

But what happens when you add more than just one person? This Sex at Dawn excerpt starts to show how the complexities multiply. The picture just shows the extra pieces, not thinking about all the mental and emotional segments that go with them.

The richness of characters and plots make these shadings intriguing to me. It isn't just that my stories want to explore sex, but it's also the relationships and the entanglements that draw the reader in to bring them new ideas.

I consider myself lucky that the people I know who practice non-monogamy are willing to answer questions about it. And there is definitely an emphasis on the part about people I know part. There are likely more that practice several of those segments from the graphic, like perhaps Don't Ask Don't Tell or Cheating, who wouldn't talk to me about it. My questions are all filled with curiosity and not malice.

With all the possibilities out there, it is a wonder that the mainstream view is monogamy, isn't it? It must be an assumption we get from our formative years. Is it because most of our parents and grandparents practice it? Because we hear about it in the religious gatherings? Because so often those who fill that graph with all the colors are the ones who keep quietest about their activities?

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but that would translate to love being in the heart of the relationship. It doesn't matter with whom you celebrate it - but rather that you do it. How much more interesting would our society be if we allowed a spectrum in place of the black-and-white choices? It's not about gay vs straight or monogamy vs polygamy or ever right vs wrong. Choices decide who we are and how we love. Love is the most important part - to do it and feel it and share it. And, as I hope for the erotica gig, read it!

On Writing Sex Scenes

I appreciated this HuffingtonPost article about a tongue in cheek way to write a sex scene.

I think it's hard to write a good sex scene. There are so many things that go into it, like whether you're trying to excite or repel or even if you just want to make a statement. Every word chosen goes toward the effect of the entire scene. It isn't just point of view or the specific actions that take place.

And don't get me started on the people who close the door on the reader when sex might occur. Or, maybe you should.

Take sex itself: It's as different as the people who come together to screw. Some cannot fathom doing it one way and some can't be talked out that specific position or fetish or anything else you might imagine. It says something about who we are. Those things also tell our readers even more about our characters.

When you shut the door and let the characters do their thing - it's saying something about the author, and not just the characters. Whether they have sex or not is up to them, but if and how you describe it should also be up to them.

Some stories need the sex scenes. I'm not just talking about the erotica or pornography bits where the author's trying to get a rise out of the reader. Sometimes the epiphany happens during sex - just like in real life. If you deprive your reader of the character's AHA! moment, you haven't done anyone any favors.

Maybe the question ought to be, do you need that scene? Does the reader need to know that the main character and her husband have dutiful sex every night? It does if it changes her at some point. No, not every scene needs to be true to their lives - feel free to cut every snippet that doesn't lead to the big moment of change - but really examine the story being told to give an idea about what needs to be in there.

I wrote a novel that wasn't erotica. [That happens occasionally. I haven't written a full erotica novel yet, but it might happen one day.] There were a couple important sex scenes to show in that novel, though. Each one contributed to the main character's fall and showed her changing views through the novel. There aren't very many, four at most, but each one shows something a little different happening and her reaction to the change.

I listen to authors and publishers who think all sex is gratuitous and should never be shown. While some of them seem to be mired in overly religious views that do not seem to be separable from their author selves, it makes me wonder if those ingrained beliefs begin from other places. So are extremely religious people doomed to keep up their faith through stories? I'm really curious if the "good" authors are able to separate themselves from their core beliefs or if it is another form of author intrusion, this time insinuating into the characters themselves... If anyone has examples, I'd love to know about them.

So perhaps that is a failing of mine, that I enjoy exploring in this niche of sexuality and its expression. It isn't always about making my readers immediately excuse themselves to masturbate, though that is sometimes my goal. Sometimes it's about expressing something that doesn't always get said and showing that through the characters and how they love or not.

Think about how those one-night stands really differ from the true love types. Or how one night with your spouse is so much more memorable than another. Or why one type of encounter turns you on in a different way than all the others. Most of the time we don't learn anything from our sexual encounters, but there are times it really sticks in your head. Is that appropriate for a story? Can you separate your own life from the character you want to write about in order to express that epiphany? Do you think you can stretch it from the one side of straight pornography to the other of twisted erotica with the same events but change the views of the characters involved and how the reader gets to understand them to pull out those other ideas?

I can't stop exploring the richness of sex in stories, at least. My characters range as far as I can imagine, and each of them has individual opinions that must be expressed. I would like to say my core beliefs do not intrude, but I'm sure they do here and there. Someone would have to read them all to figure it out, but no one's done that yet. Now and then I find someone extremely good at reading between the lines and it makes me a little nervous to send stories - but I do it anyway. It's good for the muse.