Gratuitous

Gratuitous is a word that a lot of people hide behind when they want to censor some kind of activity, whether it is sex or violence or anything else. Me? I'm not really a fan of gratuitous religion, but that doesn't get the same kind of attention.

Sex and violence, on the other hand, warrant all kinds of rules and regulations. I don't want your story if it has gratuitous violence - you know, anything that doesn't move the plot forward. I understand that a physical altercation can be just about the action, but often what leads up to it and the people who express their emotions in that manner are what needs to be shown with that end. Sex is an expression of a lot of different things, and again makes the people real.

These are two pillars at the core of our makeup. The drive for sex and procreation cannot be separated from the human condition. There are books and studies and who knows what other evidence to explain this, but if people don't have sex, people won't exist after very long.

Does that mean we have to weave it into every single thing we say and do? Maybe. Television, books, radio, even anecdotes from daily lives revolve around sex. We have innuendo and other not so subtle devices to insert it into our daily lives. It might make us crass or rude to admit it, but why are we so ashamed of sex? We're human. Sex drives us.

Oh, wait, let's insert that gratuitous - or not so gratuitous - religion again. All of a sudden our basic drive for sex is immoral. We have rules against sex outside of marriage, sex before marriage, sex with yourself, sex with anyone but that one person you marry. And these rules are absolute and in direct opposition with what our evolved drive for sex tells our minds to think.

Books and movies and all the other media use sex and violence to maintain drama. Drama is how you hold the audience's attention. It's one reason most of us fall asleep during documentaries they'll show you in school. There are trees and somehow the only action is ants crawling across the screen. Unless you're an ant fiend, it just doesn't do it for most of us. We crave drama, tension, conflict.

We mirror what we see in our lives, what we feel in our hearts, to create these plot lines. Sometimes it seems like they're all hopping into bed together. Sometimes it seems like another character just ended up dead. Remember when the soap operas dominated daytime television and they just couldn't figure out more ways to keep that tension high? We've replaced it with unscripted dramas we call "reality TV" that are actually nothing like reality. We freely admit this, and watch them anyway.

Not everyone chooses to watch this kind of entertainment. It's a choice. I recently met someone who said he didn't want to watch anything on television with sex or murder because he wanted to fill his life and his mind with the things he wanted more of - happiness and inspiration and other good things. His solution was to turn  off the television. While he explained his opinion, I felt in no way pressured to do the same. He never said I was immoral or anything else by enjoying those shows.

I try to remember him when I see all the other people touting immorality on screen, but it's difficult. I recently read an essay by a Christian woman who writes murder mysteries and watches all the crime shows, but hates that they all have sex together. She wants a cut and dried version with only the facts of the murders to take her on, without the characters that so many of us find intriguing.

Of course I'd be against those who are against gratuitous sex as an erotica writer, right? It's not that I'm for putting a sex scene in every novel or that I think everyone who might get close to sex should have it in the stories. But sometimes, it's necessary. That's who the person is. It is in our society and our lives. How deeply a writer delves into the sex is at the discretion of the writer (producer, director, etc).

And as a writer, I listen to the characters. Some of them want nothing more than to end up in bed together. Others run away at the prospect. At times those sex scenes dominate my story, and in another book they will be nothing but footnotes.

I think I need to stop letting those essays and blog posts and other outlets get to me. As long as we're telling stories, there will be sex and violence woven throughout, some gratuitous and some integral, and there will be arguments on both sides about which is which.

As for me, I'll be writing both kinds. Because sometimes it's just too fun not to.

What's the Meaning of this [Relationship]?!

Relationships are complicated. Even if you go with the mainstream opinion that monogamy is the way to go - you still get difficulties as people progress through life. If someone gets married at 20, most people will change by 30, not to mention the "til death do us part" numbers. Once people share those years together, they learn to adjust to each other and can even miss the quirks that seemed to drive the individual crazy.

But what happens when you add more than just one person? This Sex at Dawn excerpt starts to show how the complexities multiply. The picture just shows the extra pieces, not thinking about all the mental and emotional segments that go with them.

The richness of characters and plots make these shadings intriguing to me. It isn't just that my stories want to explore sex, but it's also the relationships and the entanglements that draw the reader in to bring them new ideas.

I consider myself lucky that the people I know who practice non-monogamy are willing to answer questions about it. And there is definitely an emphasis on the part about people I know part. There are likely more that practice several of those segments from the graphic, like perhaps Don't Ask Don't Tell or Cheating, who wouldn't talk to me about it. My questions are all filled with curiosity and not malice.

With all the possibilities out there, it is a wonder that the mainstream view is monogamy, isn't it? It must be an assumption we get from our formative years. Is it because most of our parents and grandparents practice it? Because we hear about it in the religious gatherings? Because so often those who fill that graph with all the colors are the ones who keep quietest about their activities?

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but that would translate to love being in the heart of the relationship. It doesn't matter with whom you celebrate it - but rather that you do it. How much more interesting would our society be if we allowed a spectrum in place of the black-and-white choices? It's not about gay vs straight or monogamy vs polygamy or ever right vs wrong. Choices decide who we are and how we love. Love is the most important part - to do it and feel it and share it. And, as I hope for the erotica gig, read it!

Looks Can Be Deceiving

If you just went with posting frequency to this blog, you might think there was nothing on my mind. I'd assure you that isn't the case, but most of my readers know that I'm simply preoccupied with other matters.

Which is sad, because this part of my brain has been working overtime while I sleep. If I blogged that on a daily basis, you'd all stay tuned, I'm sure.

I thought today that I ought to change this blog's title to something more appropriate. Erotica Musings strikes me as what I'd like to be saying, knowing full well that half or more of the erotic musings I get don't make it into the blog, but into my varied stories. I suppose it'll take me awhile to figure out exactly what I'm attempting to share here.

Or I could easily just get my money's worth from the 18+ rating on this blog. Sex and more graphic sex. I've been expressing myself through sex, for the most part, but in a way that simply doesn't require the content rating.

Just letting everyone know that I'm still here. My brain isn't empty. I'm just considering options. Wouldn't mind if you'd want to weigh in. Thanks!

And for all of you playing at home, I hope you didn't forget National Underwear Day on August 5.

Health Benefits of Sex!

Who could resist a list like this?

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

1. Sex Relieves Stress
2. Sex Boosts ImmunityClose Window
3. Sex Burns Calories
4. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health
5. Sex Boosts Self-Esteem
6. Sex Improves Intimacy
7. Sex Reduces Pain
8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk
9. Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles
10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better

It might not make everything better, but it sounds like a great way to start off the new year! With a list like that, why aren't we all grabbing our better halves? I love how much they can back up with medical studies. Though what man admits he ejaculates between 4-7 times in a month, versus the other group at 21 or more, I just don't know.

Sex and Beauty

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So they say, anyway.

Erotica is about sex, about the coming together of at least one person in a sexual way. (It could be all about one and what's in her mind and still be a 'coming together' in my book.) Often erotic or pornographic stories focus on an unattainable ideal in the subjects. I know pornography is about the fantasy, but in erotica I expect something deeper. Sure, the story is about sex, but that doesn't mean everyone has to be beautiful. There are stories that change characters that are a little bit different from the ideal. Sometimes that's what drives them, and sometimes it's just a detail that adds a bit of spice to the situation.

I like it when a writer can make me think something is erotic that I wouldn't necessarily find beautiful. It's also one of the things I really try to do with my stories. I love to explore the limits.

An interesting article on a similar topic: Sexploration.